The Myth of the Perfect Family Gathering
Manage Your Expectations and Prepare for Challenging Family Interactions
Life can feel extra stressful around the holidays as we rush to do more for others and spend less time caring for ourselves. We’re bombarded by images and expectations from society, social media, and even our own families, expecting us to create the perfect holiday—one in which we’re part of a picture-perfect, harmonious family celebrating together without friction.
In a recent report, “Parents Under Pressure,” the Surgeon General shares data from the American Psychological Association showing a growing trend in high family stress levels and in parental stress, which researchers attribute largely to “the culture of comparison” on social media.
That “culture of comparison” becomes extra amplified around the holidays.
This time of year isn’t always happy and bright for everyone. In my workshops around the country, people often tell me they have complicated feelings or feel trepidation before family gatherings. Some even dread holiday “family time”, and the feelings time spent with extended family can bring up. This is especially true if the holidays mean seeing relatives who’ve never acknowledged harm they caused in the past.
And yet large family events can also be a time of love and connection; a chance to deepen relationships with family members with whom we feel safe and known. We don’t want to miss out on that joy. But we can only savor meaningful family moments if we’ve planned ahead to manage the stressful ones.
Reduce Holiday Stress by Creating a Plan for Stressful Family Gatherings
It can help to view this season as an invitation to double down on taking care of yourself – being the guardian of your emotional well-being, in ADVANCE of stressful get-togethers.
Make sure you let your kids know it’s healthy and important to do this too. (Your kids have to navigate toxic grandma, or grandpa, alongside you!)
Set aside time to discuss and prepare for difficult family gatherings ahead of time. What will your go-tos be? Here are some ideas:
A code word or hand signal for when one of you feels overwhelmed and needs a break.
If you need alone time, what will you do? (Ideas: take a quick walk around the neighborhood, or do a deep breathing exercise in the bathroom.)
Limit the time frame for visiting a difficult relative, or agree to leave at a certain time.
Name a difficult dynamic that usually arises so that you can prepare for it in advance: (“Grandpa might ask you about your grades, or if you are on the varsity team; remember your job isn’t to be the best, it’s to grow up to be a good person.”)
Figure out the supportive people you can hang out with and chat with during family gatherings.
If you’re fairly sure you’ll see a particularly difficult family member, and fear being drawn into unpleasant conversations with them – the kind that leaves you sputtering and drained, plan for these “high-risk” interactions, too. Our most difficult relationships can reignite old, negative beliefs about ourselves, causing us to replay conversations and ruminate about things we think we said or did wrong, or how bad we are, or how bad they are.
These negative self-beliefs might include:
"Something is wrong with me”
“No one cares about me”
“It’s all my fault”
“I’m a failure"
"I am too much"
"I don't fit in"
"I have to be perfect"
“No one wants to hear what I have to say”
These skewed self-beliefs can be like invisible binoculars we wear. They influence how we see ourselves, our experiences, the people around us, and our place in the world.
If talking to certain relatives always spins you into feeling bad about yourself and ruminating after your interactions with them, try this tip: remind yourself of this pattern and the negative self-beliefs this particular family member triggers in you before you see them. Simply noticing this in advance (“Whenever I see x, I feel silenced, and like my needs don’t matter”) helps your brain to have more emotional distance and clarity when you are with them. It’s as if the brain says, “Oh, you caught me: whenever I see Aunt Jane, I always feel worse about my appearance, dating life, and life choices.” While Aunt Jane is making her usual passive-aggressive comments, you’ll be able to view this pattern like a third-party observer, with a little more distance, versus feeling irritation and hurt.
If you think you might need a more direct response to let someone know they’ve crossed a line, try these statements to help you set boundaries:
“That didn’t feel good. Was that your intention?”
“That felt mean.”
“When you said that it felt like you meant X. Is that what you meant?”
A boundary isn’t about demanding that others behave differently (they might not!), it’s about making a commitment to yourself that you will keep yourself safe and voice yourself. When we do this, we model this for our kids, too.
Finally, here’s a simple, 60-second exercise to nurture your vagal system that’s perfect to practice before family events and reduce holiday stress. You can also use it during a gathering—just slip away to the bathroom—or (if you aren’t the one driving!) try it in the car on your way home.
Vagal System Nurturing Exercise
Close your eyes. Inhale. Exhale.
Place a hand on each ear and gently pull on the outer part of your ears.
Put your middle fingers in your ears, circle around, then pull down and hold. You might yawn (this is your nervous system relaxing!)
Slide your hands down to gently stroke your chin, then your collarbone.
Slide your hands over your heart.
Slide your hands up and down your outer arms.
See if any positive self-soothing phrases come to mind: “I am safe.” “I am loved.” “I belong.”
Now say this same phrase using your name: “Jane, you are safe.” “Paul, you’re okay, it’s okay.” “Amy, you belong.”
This self-soothing technique is also a great practice if you are spending the holidays alone. It tells your brain that you can, and will, always take care of you.
Thank you so much for following my work and for your continued support. Your presence means the world to me. I wish you all moments of beauty, peace, and connection this holiday season. I truly believe in your ability to create a life filled with comfort, joy, understanding, and peace. May this season bring you everything you need to nurture your heart and soul.
Yours,
Donna
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