New Year, More Me!
Chasing Loving Myself Instead of Unrealistic Resolutions
Dear Friends,
I’m writing to you from a space of newness, not just because it is a New Year, but because it feels as if I’m walking toward a new self. As I do, I’m not shedding my old self. I’m embracing all the selves I have ever been.
In my long career as a science writer, I’ve been on an exhaustive (but never exhausting) search to transform in the aftermath of trauma and loss. Life has often seemed tenuous from where I’ve stood. The tragic death of my young father when I was a child. The terrifying near loss of my newborn son as a young mother. The heartbreaking illness that threatened to take my teenage daughter. Through all those years, or perhaps because of those experiences, and my worry that the people I love most might slip away, it has always seemed to me that we are here, in our brief time, to touch as deeply as we can into love.
Love sparks life. The jolt of love we feel when our child’s hand nestles in ours. Flickers of moments of a deep, abiding connection with partners or friends who come to know us beneath the costumes we put on to be “in the world.” It is in these moments where life is felt most, held, treasured, remembered, giving birth to that thing we call our collective consciousness, our indelible human connectedness. It is in this neurobiological dance of our togetherness that life is made new, again and again.
I know this to be true, having lost a parent when I was twelve. The love I felt from my father never died, even when he did. The power of his love was made all the more knowable by its absence.
It has been a calling in my life to extend my love in a way that is felt, that matters to the people around me, across the whole of our lives.
Giving Too Much
But here’s the thing. Sometimes, I go too far. I extend concern and compassion to people in my world who do not deserve to know me in that way. I’ve struggled over the years to draw lines between what I will allow, and what others want me to do or give or be. In my life of near-loss, in my fear of loss, I have overcorrected and given too much away, and too little to myself.
The start of a new year offers a natural moment for reflection. While societal pressures and outside voices often push for dramatic change or a ‘new you,’ consider embracing this time as a gentle invitation to look inward instead. Focusing on our inner lives, what we love and want to build more of, and what we want to move on from, sweep out of our lives; the things that no longer serve us.
This year, I have been moving further into my own healing, beyond self-fixing, to a more primal, internal listening to a whisper that, when I hear it, lets me know what I want to devote myself to in my work and my writing, what I do and do not want to do, who I do and do not want to be with, what behavior I will accept from others, and what it is that I must voice if I am to be heard and if I am to respect myself. The boundaries I must set if I hope to be whole.
If you sense there are things you’d like to let go of, the following questionnaire can help you to discern what changes you might want to make, by exploring your sense of satisfaction and well-being in your daily life, right now.
Joy and Contentment Quotient Inventory (JCQ-Inventory)
The Joy and Contentment Quotient Inventory* was originally designed by Marla Sanzone, PhD, and me, as a tool to and help you focus on where you are now in terms of the degree of calm, peace, and joy that you’re able to feel in your daily life, and how able you are to be present and feel a deep sense of contentment in your current lived experience.
(Want to take this quiz online and have the points calculated for you? Click here to my website. You can also download a printable version here.)
Rate the following statements from 1-10, according to the degree to which each statement applies to you or accurately describes your recent (past three months) perception(s).
1 = does not apply to me much at all / hardly describes my perception at all.
10 = nearly completely describes my perception / applies to me.
1. I feel deserving of a calm mind and a joyful life.
2. I am more self-critical and judgmental than I wish I were.
3. I recognize and value the unique contributions I bring to the world.
4. In general, my negative feelings and thoughts impact my ability to fully engage with my life, including but not limited to people and situations or events.
5. I am more critical and judgmental of others than I wish I were.
6. I am touched or moved emotionally by things in my environment every day that remind me of the goodness around me.
7. Generally speaking, my feelings or emotional states overwhelm me.
8. At least once a week, I allow myself to be spontaneous and playful without feeling guilty, despite my daily obligations and responsibilities.
9. My feelings provide me information, but they do not control me nor my decisions.
10. In going about my daily routine, I have difficulty being productive or completing necessary tasks without detaching from or shutting off my emotions.
11. I know specific things I want or need to change in my life, but I have a hard time putting forth sufficient effort to effectively implement them.
12. I am open to new and different interpretations of my experiences.
Scoring:
For questions 1, 3, 6, 8, 9, and 12: add up the exact numerical value of each answer you wrote. For instance, if you wrote a “4” for question 1, and a “7” for 3, add 4 and 7 and continue to add the number value of each answer for these questions.
For questions 2, 4, 5, 7, 10, and 11, add up your scores in the reverse direction. In other words, a “1” gets 10 points, whereas a “10” gets 1 point. A “2” would get 9 points. A “4” would be 7 points, and so on. This chart can help:
Now, add up your two scores.
Less than 38 total points:
Significantly less contentment and considerably fewer moments of joy than most report experiencing. Could benefit from concerted effort toward increasing both for greater life satisfaction and feelings of well-being.
39–59 points:
Occasional but not frequent sense of general contentment and few moments of joy that you are likely not inclined to expect. Average or “middle of the road” sense of life satisfaction and well-being. You may desire more experiences of joy and an increased sense of happiness but may recognize a tendency toward pessimism and a general belief that you don’t deserve or shouldn’t expect more positive experiences than you have.
60–78 points:
General sense of contentment and occasional moments of joy that you look forward to and work toward. Above average sense of life satisfaction and overall positive view of self and the world around you. You believe you deserve a satisfying life, generally are not overly pessimistic, and at times have a relatively optimistic but not idealistic worldview.
Above 79 points:
Considerably higher sense of contentment and fairly frequent experiences of joy. Greater general life satisfaction and well-being than most. You tend toward optimism and at times even idealism, which you are likely to find refreshing and fun.
[*Created by Jackson Nakazawa, D. and Sanzone, M. 2013. First Published in The Last Best Cure by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. New York: Hudson Street Press.]
Reflect on Your Answers
What questions—and answers—stood out to you above? If it’s an awareness of being judgmental of yourself or that you don’t notice the goodness in the world around you as much as you’d like—simply make a note of what felt most true for you.
What would you like to experience more or less of in your moment-to-moment life? Perhaps it’s the ability to have more fun or be more spontaneous, or to feel more deserving of good things in your life, or to let go of old resentments.
As you do this work of becoming more you, always do so with a sense of compassion for you, for all the selves you have ever been, and with appreciation for the braveness required for the journey to become whole.
My Final Musings
For me, this year is about listening to that small, primal whisper—the one gently nudging me to pause and reflect on how I spend my energy. How much will I give to others, and how much do I need to hold onto for myself? I will honor my body when it says ‘enough,’ giving it time to rest and recover from the endless doing of life through moments of silence, stillness, time in nature, or writing.
As I continue to honor my body's ‘no’—when I’m spending time in ways that don’t serve my deeper purpose and longing, or when others treat me in ways I will no longer allow—I will take up space, be seen and heard, and I will strengthen my respect for myself. In fully loving myself, I will become whole.
Part of my journey this year will involve spending less time on social media, which often feels overly performative. Instead, I’m focusing on finding meaningful ways to connect with you here. I would love to hear your thoughts—what would you like to see more of?
Thank you for following my work and for your continued support. Your presence truly means the world to me. I wholeheartedly believe in your ability to embrace every part of yourself and create a life filled with joy and contentment.
Yours,
Donna
Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights. I can relate to giving away too much. Being born into a role where my value was in how helpful or useful I could be to others, has made it challenging to feel deserving of that same care myself. I am interested in learning more about how we heal those hurt parts of ourselves and become whole.
Wonderful share. I am so happy to hear it and am walking beside you. I recently asked my husband, "what if I just enjoyed my life for about six months?" I find it impossible not to do, to make, to create, to explore my curiosity, but what if I did it from a place of process and generous service instead of results and obligation. That's where I'm at.
What I would like to hear most from you is what you know about where the rubber meets the road in rumination and healing. What are the obstacles we all come against the most and how do we most past them--not in a hurried way, but in an integrative way that will hold us for the long run instead of giving us short term relief?
Appreciate you! -Meagen